IUI #2

Last time I wrote I was getting ready to have a second sonogram. I went the next day for the sonogram and I had a follicle at a 21! YAY! So, we were able to do the insemination on March 2nd! This Wednesday will mark the end of our 2 week wait. Bill and I have been discussing our options if this round doesn't work. We know for sure we are going to switch Reproductive Endocrinologists if it doesn't work. Not because we don't like the people at our current place, but because we kind of feel like there are always unanswered questions and nothing is really explained to us.

But I think for right now we have decided to take a couple months off before moving on to IVF. It is definitely not something I want to do, but know for the sake of my sanity :) I have to do. More importantly I'm terrified of spending thousands and thousands of dollars on IVF for a 50% chance that it may or may not work. Although if the outcome is a positive one it won't matter how much we spend, but if the outcome is negative it will be miserable to pay off something that didn't result in anything. I know that sounds horrible to say, but it is how I feel. I read on this website that I go to often for comfort and advice from other women going through the same thing that this one lady did IVF 10 times. TEN! I don't think there is any way I could do that. I've been asking Bill a lot "How do we know it is time to stop? When do you move on?" I keep going back in forth in my head if we should do another IUI before we move on to IVF. What if that one more time works? What if it doesn't? I pray that God will give me the answers.

Last night I had the worst dream. I dreamed that I was pregnant with a little girl. I clearly remember it.....we were going to the doctors office to get the sonogram to find out what we were having. Then after we found out a week later I miscarried. It was horrible and so sad. I hope that it was just a bad dream and nothing more.

I feel so emotionally drained. Yesterday while waiting in line at Costco to check out, the lady standing next to me was gently rubbing her newborn babies head while she slept. I stood there staring at her and started to cry. CRYING at Costco!! I quickly wiped my tears before Bill came back. I catch myself all the time staring at babies in stores. I cried last month in the middle of Target because every where I went in the store a lady with her baby was there. I feel like a walking train wreck. My friend had a baby shower a couple weeks ago. I didn't go to her shower because I was so nervous about how I would feel afterwards. It is horrible. I missed out on my friends joy and delight because I was scared of crying when I got in the car. When she did have her baby last week I told myself I needed to go. I went and saw her and her adorable little girl. I'm glad I went and didn't miss out on that. Even though I barely made it out of the hospital before I started crying I survived. :) I don't want to miss important moments for my friends! So, I am trying to remind myself that yes there are lots of people that are getting pregnant and having babies before me, but that maybe it just isn't my time......yet.